


to make something beautiful should be enough (it isn't)

by cornerstones



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: 2019 World Figure Skating Championships, Communication, Cuddling & Snuggling, Hugs, M/M, Platonic Relationships, Queerplatonic Relationships, Relationship open to interpretation, look there's loads of physical affection, post Worlds 2019, romantic relationships, talk of the future
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-12-26 06:49:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18278009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cornerstones/pseuds/cornerstones
Summary: “I want to say something that I know you're gonna be mad about.”At once, Javier can feel a distinct apprehensive vibe coming off of Yuzuru.-----After the Men's Free Skate event at Worlds 2019, Javier and Yuzuru get to talk. (That is, Javi gets to talk.)





	to make something beautiful should be enough (it isn't)

**Author's Note:**

> jesus i'm so glad worlds is over, what a deeply stressful week that was in my life
> 
> i needed to get this out to deal with my feelings so obviously this is all purely fictional and all that jazz
> 
> title taken from richard siken's poem "landscape with a blur of conquerors"

Javier doesn't have to wait long for Yuzuru to open the door to his hotel room.

As usual, he greets him with a smile which Javier returns, but he can see the still raw and bottled up emotions playing around his eyes. His former rinkmate lets him in without a word and Javier turns to him as soon as he hears the door softly click shut. Then there are arms flung around him and Yuzuru buries his face in the junction of Javier's neck. He puts his arms around him automatically, a long since practiced action he will probably never unlearn.

“So nice you're here.”

Javier feels the words against his skin more than he actually hears them. His hand finds its way up to Yuzuru's neck.

“I'm glad I'm here too.”

“It feels weird.” Javier should be confused but he feels Yuzuru searching for the right words. English always comes harder to him when he's exhausted, and he feels heavy in his arms right now so he waits him out.

“I keep thinking I see Javi with me when I turn but it's not. You not with me on podium anymore.”

Ah. That.

“You were looking good up there on your own though,” he tries to joke but Yuzuru only shakes his head against his neck.

“Not the same. I always shared with you.”

 _Not your gold medals though, that's for sure_ , Javier wants to say impulsively but refrains because this is no longer about being rivals in the same competition. This is Yuzuru telling him he misses him.

“I know it's hard,” he says, stroking his hand over Yuzuru's freshly washed hair. “And this is new, for both of us. But look at you – you did it anyway.”

Again, he shakes his head.

“I didn't. I lost.”

Javier sighs mutely. There are a lot of things he could tell him – that silver doesn't mean he lost, that he's still injured and not on top of his game, that he put up a fight and it was glorious.

He doesn't say any of that because he knows Yuzuru wouldn't listen to it anyway.

Instead, he asks: “You wanna lie down?”

He waits for his confirming nod before he strokes his back once, twice more and lets go of him. They untangle their arms from each other and Yuzuru spares a quick glance down Javier's body before he makes to go back to the main room.

“Don't forget to take off shoes,” he calls over his shoulder to which Javier reacts with an exaggerated eye roll.

“I did that once like ten years ago in your presence, will you ever let that go?”

Yuzuru grins up at him from on top of the covers on the bed when Javier rounds the corner to join him. “I let go long time ago but I don't let you forget.”

“Of course you don't,” he groans for show. “Scoot over.”

Yuzuru does as he's told and makes room for Javier, lying on his side, a clear sign of what he wants right now. And Javier follows, getting on the bed as well and pressing his body to Yuzuru's easily, his arm thrown over his torso. So much of their communication has always happened non-verbally, it feels natural to give and seek comfort the same way.

As soon as they're settled and both comfortable, Javier hears Yuzuru sigh deeply, his body relaxing against his own.

“Hm, missed your warmth,” Yuzuru hums contentedly and Javier finds himself nuzzling the soft hair at his nape with a small smile.

“I missed this too.”

The moment stretches on, both of them taking their time in basking in each other's familiar presence. There's a calmness settling between them that Javier knows is something Yuzuru needs right now because he's sure that brain of his hasn't stopped working since the beginning of the competition.

He knows he shoulders so much weight and guilt, he needs someone to hold him every once in a while. He also knows he should just let him rest and let him fall asleep like this, which – history has proven – is something that could very potentially happen.

But there is something nagging at the edge of his mind that he doesn't think he can ignore for much longer.

“I can feel you thinking hard again,” Yuzuru's voice suddenly pipes up.

It shouldn't surprise Javier anymore that they can tell something is up with the other, even when they're not even facing each other.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. It's...” He pauses and Javier takes the moment to nuzzle his hair a bit more. “I feel your energy, like nervous.”

For a few breaths, he lets the words hang between them, and the slightly uneasy tension that follows them almost feels worse than what he is going to tell him.

“I want to say something that I know you're gonna be mad about.”

At once, Javier can feel a distinct apprehensive vibe coming off of Yuzuru.

 _Here goes nothing_ , he thinks with another deep breath and braces himself for whatever reaction he's going to get.

“I don't know if you should keep... doing this.”

Yuzuru doesn't move but he also doesn't tell him to stop talking so he keeps going: “You have nothing to prove to anyone anymore. You did it all, and you won it all. Despite how they always scored you.” Javier can hear the bitterness in his voice. “And we both know that they will never treat you with the respect you deserve. Because this...”

He leans his temple against Yuzuru's shoulder, shaking his head lightly.

“You don't deserve this, Yuzu. You gave so much to this sport already. You gave it everything but they will never...”

He stops himself there to take a breath. They all suffered time and time again because of scoring systems, judges, the ISU – but in this moment he can feel his heart breaking for this man whose own federation still doesn't seem to give a shit about him.

“There is no one like you. No one. And you don't need more quads. Especially not now, when you're still injured. Yuzu, I...”

The Z in his name sounds sharper, as it always does when Javier is getting agitated. He glances over Yuzuru's shoulder and towards the ice pack on the nightstand, glaring at it for a second as if it was that inanimate object that inflicted the injuries in Yuzuru's ankle when all it did was helping him with the pain for a bit.

“I don't want this to break you,” he admits and that's it; the truth he fears so much. “Because you don't deserve this. No one deserves you.”

Full of frustrations he tried to keep at bay, especially during this week, he shakes Yuzuru a little, but with the same move he makes sure to tighten his arms around him once more.

“I know you're gonna fight for this, and I know your ambition but it will never be enough for them. And I hate keep seeing you suffer like this. I don't want you to have to fight a losing battle.”

It's only when all that's been rummaging in his head is finally out in the open that he notices how quiet Yuzuru's been.

He isn't quite sure what kind of reaction he expected. Yuzuru's not the type to lash out violently at someone when he's angered, it's more like a simmering rage beneath the surface that he's always dealt with alone, shutting himself off from other people in the process. So maybe this is him completely shutting him out at last.

But then again, he still lets Javier hold him.

The silence stretches on between them and Javier doesn't dare to prompt Yuzuru to speak nor does he remove his arm that's still holding him securely with his hand splayed over his chest. He feels reminded of his own competitions suddenly, just minutes before taking the ice himself for a program. Only now he merely knows the pose he wants to strike in the beginning while the rest of the choreography is wiped from his mind. It's a terrifying feeling.

“But I want the quad Axel.”

Yuzuru's voice sounds awfully unstable, his tongue curling around the syllables unsteadily. Yet in spite of the wavering tone he cannot disguise, his words are resolute. A familiar determination shining through that almost sends a shiver down his spine.

Javier exhales. “You really do want that, don't you?”

He doesn't need to see his nod to confirm what he already knows to be the truth.

After a moment, Yuzuru puts his hand on top of Javier's, holding it in place. “Not the only thing I want.”

Javier closes his eyes and rests his forehead against Yuzuru's nape.

“I know that too...” he mutters softly.

Yuzuru grips his wrist more tightly and nods once again, his movement restricted but nonetheless determined.

“Quad Axel.”

He wills it to be true. Javier knows this, has known him and his ways for so long he wonders what he wanted to achieve here by expressing his worries.

This man _lives_ for skating.

It's a beautiful and deeply worrying relationship to which he thinks he will always have a front row seat to watch it all unfold, with bruises and medals and tears lining the way. And through it all, he's going to support him because he won't ever go back on his word.

Javier is so immersed in his thoughts, feeling oddly defeated, that he didn't notice Yuzuru was holding his breath – until he speaks again, his voice soft and fragile, but warm.

“The quad Axel. ...And then we'll see.”

Swallowing around the sudden lump in his throat, he tightens his hold and tries to pull Yuzuru even closer.

_And then we'll see._

 

**Author's Note:**

> did i just project my worries and bitterness on javi to make him say all this to yuzu in this alternate reality where yuzu actually considers saying fuck you to the isu and jsf and finally yeeting himself out of this scores mess?
> 
> you bet i did
> 
> thank you for reading, i hope you enjoyed it! <3


End file.
